<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>The Little Things by Adi_Beau</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362087">The Little Things</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adi_Beau/pseuds/Adi_Beau'>Adi_Beau</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Moving On [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kingdom Hearts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:14:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,150</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23362087</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adi_Beau/pseuds/Adi_Beau</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Another year has gone by. Another birthday without Sora around to even celebrate it. Riku is trying to cope, but he's not doing a great job at holding himself together. Rather than spend Sora's birthday moping around and laying in bed, he needs to do something, anything. He goes off to Twilight Town, hoping to distract himself, only to be confronted with all the emotions he's been trying to run away from.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Riku/Roxas (Kingdom Hearts), Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts), the riku/roxas is referenced to in past interactions, they don't do anything romantic in this oneshot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Moving On [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1681030</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Little Things</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi, guys!! As it is Sora's birthday I decided I couldn't let this day pass without making myself suffer with some angst! :D Am I terrible? Yeah. I hope you guys enjoy this, though! Here's to 18 years of KH!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I remember waiting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I remember sitting around in a bright, white room for hours, sitting by a big pod where I knew Sora was sleeping. Touching the cold surface, wondering when he was gonna wake up… Days went by. Days turned into months. Those months added up to about a year. His birthday went by. I spent the whole day sitting by his side. Brought some ice-cream and a cupcake. Twilight Town was apparently known for their sea salt ice-cream. I bought two, even if it didn’t make sense to. DiZ showed up at some point and I ended up giving him the extra that I knew I wasn’t gonna eat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As unbearable as it felt, I’d go back to it if it meant I could at least sit by his side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This year was different. This year, I can’t even look at him. I can’t touch anything. He isn’t anywhere where I can reach him. I can’t talk to him while he’s sleeping away peacefully. I can’t go on about how I can’t wait to take him back to the island and hold his hand and have sparring matches. I can’t talk about how we’re gonna travel to other worlds and show Kairi how to fly one day. I just… I can’t do any of that. And yet again, I can’t even go back to Kairi to even </span>
  <em>
    <span>vent </span>
  </em>
  <span>about it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s… Frustrating. It’s tiring. It makes me wonder if we’re ever gonna make any progress. I know I’m supposed to be strong. That I’m supposed to be level-headed and that by now, all the depression and anxiety that I felt should be something I have control over now that I’m no longer being controlled by the darkness that rests within my heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But how strong can I be when the only thing I can do is watch him die countless times on a screen?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>These battles… These.. “Data battles” or whatever they’re supposed to be called… They’re having a serious impact on me. The first time I got beaten by Marluxia was already hard to watch. I got used to it for a while, but the more I played that stupid game, the more it got to me. I thought it would be fine. I told myself that I </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to do it for Sora. To get him back somehow. But the more I played, the worse it got. And don’t even get me started on “rage mode.” I saw it once when he was fighting against Aqua. I never had the time to ask him about it, but I hadn’t realized it was something he could choose to slip into if he was close to dying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How many times has Sora allowed himself to take on the form of a heartless all because he was afraid to die?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Needless to say, I had to take a break. It’s his birthday today and I can’t handle listening to Saix calling on the pale moon's light five times in a row before destroying my friend again and again and again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go. I could visit Kairi, but… We kinda argued the last time we talked. I’ve gone to see her a few times, but I can’t go there without feeling bad. I know that she </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to go into a deep sleep, but I got a little selfish. I told her that there had to be another way and that she couldn’t do this. Visiting her gives me a lot of anxiety, even if she's not even awake, because I know she just wants to do her part and help and that all I really did was make her feel bad, as if she was leaving me behind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So, what was my bright idea? My plan for the day? I slept. Well, more like I </span>
  <em>
    <span>tried </span>
  </em>
  <span>to sleep. I’ve been pretty much staying in Merlin’s house and he has a bed, so I just sorta… Went to lie down in it and stared at a wall. Occasionally, someone would come in and I’d close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea. Isolating myself and staying trapped in a house that I was already tired of being in next to a computer that I wanted to smash into pieces from time to time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it was all I could think to do. And if I'm being honest… It felt like this was what I deserved after literally pushing people away and hiding away in this house to scream at a screen that can't even hear me… After letting Sora go off on his own… Did I really even deserve to have a good time on his birthday without him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>My chest ached. I had constant migraines and I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>so tired. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I couldn’t think straight. I started wondering if any of this is even real, if I was just trapped in some kind of nightmare with no way of waking up. If I was also sleeping away like Kairi or inside a computer or… Something else. I felt like crying, but nothing would come out when I tried. And I did try. Letting your emotions out is supposed to be healthy. Crying is healthy. But it just wouldn’t happen. No sobs. No tears. Nothing. I felt almost… Empty.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you gonna be snoozing away all day?” a voice called out, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see Yuffie. She was hanging upside down from a support beam, her legs holding her up. “Look. I know it’s tough. But laying here all day isn’t gonna make it any better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...” I didn’t know what to say. I just kinda stared at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... Riku…” She sighed, dropping down and landing next to the bed. “Am I gonna have to force you to do something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... I don’t wanna,” was all I could say, curling up and closing my eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know. But you’ve been laying there for </span>
  <em>
    <span>hours</span>
  </em>
  <span>, sighing and rubbing your eyes and muttering to yourself and I’m getting kinda worried.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then… What should I do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I dunno… Anything? It’s hard seeing you like this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yuffie…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look, if you leave the house for even an hour, you can come back if you don’t like it. Just try? Please?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At this point, what did I have to lose?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” I said, sitting up. “But… I don’t know where to go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Start small!” she said, hands on her hips as she leaned forward. “Walk around town, smell some flowers, do some sight-seeing, or… Something. And if you wanna leave this world, there’s a gummi ship that you can use.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And with that, I managed to get out of bed and go outside. My eyes burned a bit from the sunlight. How long had I been stuck in that house anyways? A few days? I’d lost track of time at this point. I ran a hand through my hair. It was… greasy. And I didn’t smell too good either. If I could smell it, others probably could, too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Riku!” Aerith suddenly called out, walking towards the house with a little basket of flowers in hand. “I’m glad to see you’re awake!” She offered me a warm smile. “Are you headed out today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh… Yeah,” I said with a nod. “Actually… Can I ask for a favor?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Like what?” She tilted her head to the side.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you maybe… Have a shower I can use?” I could feel my face heating up. I felt a bit… embarrassed that I even had to ask. That I let myself get to this point again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she didn’t seem to mind. She just smiled and nodded, making a hand gesture for me to follow her as she turned away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course!” she answered. “My house isn’t far at all. All my soaps smell like fruits and flowers, though. I hope you don’t mind.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head. “Anything is better than this.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aerith was very understanding. Which was nice because I kept apologizing and she insisted that it wasn’t a big deal. She even offered to wash my clothes for me and gave me a clean set to walk around in. When i asked if it was okay, she said it was fine, that those clothes weren’t gonna be used any time soon anyways since they were left behind by an old friend. She looked a bit sad when she said it so I decided not to pry any further. It was a muscle shirt and a pair of sweats. They were a bit big, but I wasn’t about to complain about free clothes. I thanked her and left shortly after that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a clean change of clothes and a nice shower, I was ready to go. Yuffie had suggested walking around town first, but… I kinda didn’t feel like it, if I’m being honest. She was right, laying around at Merlin’s was gonna make me feel worse. Being in this town probably wouldn’t help much either since Kairi was literally sleeping here. I needed to get away for a bit. But where to go?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I decided I’d figure it out on the way. I got into the gummi ship and looked around at the different worlds I could travel to as it took off into the air. I considered visiting Mickey, but he’d probably just worry for the most part. I didn’t really want wise words from the king. Not right now, anyways. What I needed was a distraction.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I could go to one of the worlds I visited with the king while looking for Aqua… But it didn’t really seem all that appealing. There were coordinates to worlds Sora visited, but if I went to any of those, people would ask questions about him. The island was definitely not an option. Twilight Town doesn’t have a lot of great memories attached to it, but I knew enough people that went there often...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Twilight Town it is. I placed a marker and went on my way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Riku!” Roxas called out, running my way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hey, Roxas…” Not the best first person to run into.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s uh… Been a while, huh?” He smiled as he skidded to a stop. “How long, now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked away with a short, awkward laugh. “U-uh… Who can really say? A-a few months?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“More like five, but… That’s alright! We missed you, how have things been?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’ve been alright. Just uh, y’know… Doing… stuff.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“.....” He sighed. “This is awkward, isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“W-what?” I looked over at him and shook my head. “N-no, of course not! It’s fine, really!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Riku…” He looked at me with those big, blue eyes. “Look, I know this is probably weird because…” He looked down at the ground. “I’m a bit of a… reminder of things, and… I kinda…. didn’t make anything easier on you the last time I saw you…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-it’s fine, I--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!” He looked back up. “I feel bad! I’m sorry, I just… Can we do something? With the others, of course! Axel and Xion are here for a few days, we can do something with them. Or even Hayner, Pence, and Olette. I’m sure they’ll be done with their part-time jobs soon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Roxas…” Okay. I could do this. I nodded. “Yeah… I don’t wanna bother anybody trying to work, so we can see Axel and Xion.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face lit up immediately. “Great! Let’s go then!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Xion and Axel were on top of the clock tower eating ice-cream when we found them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Riku!” Axel called out. “Long time, no see, kid! How are ya?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” I answered. “How are you guys?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good, good! Glad to see ya again. You gonna join us?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded. “If that’s okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course it is. Come on, grab a seat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Right…” I sat next to him, Roxas claiming a spot next to Xion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sooo, where’ve ya been? I see you changed your look a bit! Off having fun?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know it." I forced a smile. "Just… taking a small vacation.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Gotcha.” Axel nodded. “Well, I feel honored that you chose us to spend it with!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He seemed to be watching me for a moment before looking forward and taking a bite of his ice cream. “Well… What do you feel like doing?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Axel shrugged. “I mean… It’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>your </span>
  </em>
  <span>vacation, man. Xion and I have </span>
  <em>
    <span>lots </span>
  </em>
  <span>of free time to spend here. Anything you wanna do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, well… I dunno… What is there to do, again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Weeeellll…. We can go see a little movie. Or watch a struggle match. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Join </span>
  </em>
  <span>a struggle match. Pick up part-time jobs, go to the b-- uh, watch the sunset and eat ice cream, hang out at the usual spot…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The beach sounds nice,” I said. I don’t know why I said it. Why I felt the need to challenge him. He avoided it for a reason. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows</span>
  </em>
  <span> it’s a bad idea.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You uh… Sure?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded a little too quickly. “Yeah. I mean… Xion can add to her seashell collection and give some to Namine… And there’s a whole little town there. We could probably find something to do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... If you’re really sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course I am,” I answered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You wanna head there now, or…?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I didn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah! The sooner, the better!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You don’t need time to get ready?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I needed a lot of time to prepare before I could go to a beach with other people.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not at all. Unless you did…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Axel shook his head, standing up. “Nah… Let’s go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Why am I like this?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We got some tickets and got on a train headed towards a small village nearby. It had a little beach and a hill where you can sit and get a good view of the ocean and sky. There was a tram, but it had a really short distance to cover. Kinda made you wonder why there was a tram at all, but… I’m sure they just liked having it or something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Xion was the first to run into the sand, smiling away as she looked for seashells that may have washed up on the shore. Roxas stood around awkwardly before finding a little spot in the sand to sit. I decided to follow Xion. She seemed like a quiet person, but she could really talk if you asked her about anything she knew things about. And she had enough tact to avoid asking about things that were too awkward to discuss unless she had a question about something she </span>
  <em>
    <span>didn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> know about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Find anything?” I asked, kneeling down next to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhm!” She looked over at me with a grin, holding out a small blue shell.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nice! Do you have this yet?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shook her head. “I saw a little hermit crab crawl into a bigger one nearby, so I think this used to be its home.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” I sat down, spotting an almost flat, brown shell and picking it up. “Anything you can tell me about this one?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her smile grew as she took a close look at it. “Oh! I know this one, it’s an ormer!” She reached out carefully, gently picking it up before turning it over to reveal a shiny, colorful surface. “These ones are a bit harder to find, but they’re very pretty! They…” I tuned a bit of it out without meaning too, but she was grinning and talking away about what she’d learned about it and where they come from. It was kinda… Cute. She was very cute when she got excited about this sort of thing. It was enough for me to be able to just listen to her go on about seashells, something I didn’t have to fully absorb since I grew up on an island with plenty of beach to go around, but enough for me to tune back in and maybe learn something new.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We spent a lot of time talking about different types of shells after that and at some point, we were joking around and laughing. It was… Nice. I don’t know how she could stand to be around me at times, but her company was something I didn’t realize I’d missed. I guess I’d been avoiding her, too. She understands, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s anything she ever wants to say that she just doesn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, Axel called out to us, saying he was gonna get us snacks. He asked me to join him. I knew what that meant. That he was gonna probably try to be the dad friend and offer words of encouragement and advice while asking me about my problems.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I was okay with this, though. I was already in a better mood than I was before and at this point, it couldn’t hurt to get an extra opinion from someone who knows when to give you space.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So I went with him, through the little village. He walked kinda slow, so I matched his pace. The walk to the shop we were headed to was silent, though. It was making me a bit anxious, to be honest. Axel bought some ice cream and pretzels for everyone. I got drinks with his suggestions on what everyone might like. It wasn’t until we went back outside that he decided to say something that wasn’t related to food.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So…” he said as we started heading back towards the beach. “Five months.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…” I muttered. “Sorry…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head. “Honestly, I thought it would be </span>
  <em>
    <span>way </span>
  </em>
  <span>longer than that before we heard from you again. We were starting to get worried.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” He put a hand on my shoulder, stopping in place. I stopped and turned to face him. “Look, kid, I’m not gonna mince words for ya just yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Bring it on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look, I uh…” He scratched the back of his head, his hand moving to rest on the back of his neck as he looked to the side, clearing his throat. He looked back at me and continued. “I don’t go prying into the private lives of my friends </span>
  <em>
    <span>all the time. </span>
  </em>
  <span>But Roxas has been the most worried out of all of us ever since you had to very suddenly leave with no explanation as to why.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh no.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know what happened.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This wasn’t the talk I was ready to have.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked away with an awkward laugh. “W-what? N-nothing really.. happened, exactly…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Y’know, I think Roxas would be pretty upset to hear you dismiss it like that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...” I groaned. “I-it was a mistake, alright?! W-we were both really confused a-and I didn’t mean to, I-i just… I know I probably hurt him and… Look, I feel bad, but--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head. “That part is between you two.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” I looked back up at him. “Then why bring it up?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because…” He leaned forward. “If you lock yourself up in an old wooden house for months on end and don’t even try to keep up with your friends, they’re gonna worry. And every time you’re brought up, he looks really upset. What I’m getting at is that even if you’re not feeling okay, we wanna know. And we wanna help, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Axel…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gave my shoulder a firm squeeze, his expression more stern than before. “We love you, kid. You’re as much a part of this dysfunctional family as Sora is. Every time we try to visit, Yuffie or Aerith go on about how you never wanna leave the house and how you’re always muttering to yourself. That you're losin' weight and always tired. You even have bags under your eyes! You know how annoying it is to hear about that second hand?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... I… I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His face relaxed as he let out a sigh, straightening his back out as he moved his hand away. “It’s okay… Just… Tell me what’s goin’ on. We have time before we get back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The ice cream…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine. We’ll stop somewhere, eat it, then get more.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Stop where?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anywhere! Where do you wanna go right now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>do </span>
  </em>
  <span>know, you just don’t wanna trouble anybody.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... The hill sounds nice.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The hill it is!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We made our way through town, past the beach and up a grassy hill, sitting down near a big rock once we made it to the top.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So,” Axel said. “What’s goin’ on? What have you been doing that’s causing you so much stress that you need a break from it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well…” I looked down at the ground, running my fingers through the grass, occasionally pulling a few pieces out. “Cid has… Data on this computer in Merlin’s house…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And uh… It has… Sora’s data. His fighting abilities, his weapons, form changes, his </span>
  <em>
    <span>voice…”</span>
  </em>
  <span> I sighed, leaning back against the rock. “Everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s it for?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well… It also has data on members of the last organization… I uh… I control a little data Sora and… fight them…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah. Beat anyone recently?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just Marluxia… I tried to fight Saix, but…” I groaned. “He’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>cruel.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Axel laughed a bit. “Sounds about right. That berserker mode’ll get ya.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And Larxene taunts me </span>
  <em>
    <span>a lot.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Makes sense.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s like a video game though, so the phrases get repeated so often that I sometimes go crazy and scream ‘what’s a matter’ at a girl that can’t even hear me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That bad, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Axel whistled. “Sounds kinda tough. And if it’s like a video game, that means dying is a thing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have no idea…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And you couldn’t deal with it on a day like this, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A day like this?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Riku. We know when Sora’s birthday is. We’re not great friends, but we aren't </span>
  <em>
    <span>horrible.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh…” Of course he knew.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s kinda why Xion and I stopped by today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... It is?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded. “After everything that’s happened, we kinda hoped you’d be stopping by. It was Roxas’s idea, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“His idea…” Why does he bother worrying over someone like me? After everything we’ve been through… After all the times we’ve fought and bickered and after that last visit…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it too much,” Axel continued, as if reading my mind. “If he had the heart to hate you, he would. He’s pretty good at cutting people off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You say that like it’s a good thing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Axel shrugged. “Considering what he’s dealt with? It probably is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had nothing to say to that. Things went silent for a few moments before Axel offered me an ice-cream. I took it and we started eating.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You smell like roses,” he said after a while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What shampoo d’you use? It’s pretty strong.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, uh…” I shrugged. “Aerith let me borrow some…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence fell yet again. A few seconds of it, anyways, before Axel spoke again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Anything you wanna get off your chest?” He looked up at the sky. “I’m a pretty good listener. I’ll only talk your ear off until you ask me to stop.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, um…” I looked down. “I’ve been… Feeling… Bad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bad?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I nodded. “Sometimes I feel like… Maybe I don’t actually exist, and I think… While some of it is because the last couple of years sound crazy to anyone who hasn’t gone through it… a part of it is because… I don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to exist.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I felt it. As soon as I said it out loud, a tear hit my hand. I stopped moving it through the grass to just stare at it, keeping my head low. Of all times to cry, this wasn’t exactly the best. But it felt good to say it. Axel didn’t say anything, so I kept going.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And… A-and, I just… I’ve had these thoughts before, but… They were connected to the darkness… I thought I had a hold on it, th-that I was strong enough to control it. But… I think a lot of… dark things sometimes. I can’t even go to the lab where Kairi is because I feel guilty or even </span>
  <em>
    <span>angry </span>
  </em>
  <span>at people who are just trying to help, just because I know them from somewhere else.” My throat was starting to tighten up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-i-i…” I let out a heavy breath that I didn’t realize I’d been holding in. My chest ached again. I shook my head, blinking back any excess tears that were trying to fight their way out. “I-i’m supposed to be collected a-and mature a-about this! I-i’m doing this for Sora! E-everything I’m doing right now is for Sora, but I don’t know if I’m gonna succeed, o-or if it’s even gonna help at all when I do..! I gained control over these issues a long time ago. I-i grew and I got better a-and… and…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Axel interrupted, his hands on my shoulders. “Look at me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Riku, I don’t care if you need to cry, but</span>
  <em>
    <span> look at me.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face the moment I saw the concerned look on his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look… Kid… Riku…” He squeezed my shoulders. “It’s okay…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well…” He looked away for a second. “It’s not, but…” He looked at me again. “It’s going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>be </span>
  </em>
  <span>okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look… This is normal.What you’re feeling… what you’re goin’ through… It’s human. You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>human, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Riku. Your best friend is gone. You’re in pain. You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>sad.</span>
  </em>
  <span> it doesn’t matter how much you’ve healed or grown. You did it at a really fast pace, at a </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>young age, and then something came along and hit you like a damn truck the minute you thought things were finally gonna get better. You’re feeling all of this because literally anyone else in your shoes would feel the same, regardless of any darkness or light that’s sleepin’ away in their heart. You’re not </span>
  <em>
    <span>broken</span>
  </em>
  <span> or anything, you’re upset.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I… I’m… upset…” I’m in pain. It hurts. All of this was stuff I already knew and yet… Knowing that someone else could see it… Knowing that they understood enough about this sort of thing and could tell me that there wasn’t anything wrong with me… It helped.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kid, you’re shakin like a tree on a windy day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Axel sighed. “C’mere…” He pulled me into his arms, holding me close to himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t help it. I hugged him back. I clung to him like my life depended on it. I cried into his chest. I sobbed. I probably got snot on his shirt, but if he noticed, he didn’t say anything about it. I sat there and just… Cried. I don’t know how much time passed, but eventually, I was finally able to calm down, taking a few deep breaths before pulling away. I rubbed at my eyes furiously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry…” I muttered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be. I do this more often than you’d think.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t help but smile a little at hearing that. “Thank you…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want some comfort food?” He pulled out a pretzel and held it out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks…” I took it, taking a bite out of it before leaning back with a sigh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want you to promise me a few things before we go back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Those being…?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“First,” he held up a finger. “I want you to see us more often. Even if it’s just to get away from that house, you need to visit when you can.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Second,” he continued, holding up two fingers now, his eyes narrowing in a way that sent shivers down my spine. “I never want Roxas to tell me that you used him </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever again. </span>
  </em>
  <span>If you decide to kiss the kid, it’s none of my business. But don’t tell him it’s because he looks like the kid that gave him an identity crisis.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“R-right…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He held up a third finger. “And last but not least…” he continued, his expression relaxing again. “You’re buying ice-cream on the way back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...” I nodded, smiling again. “I can do that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not long after, we went to get more ice-cream before going back to the beach. Axel went over to Xion to hand her some snacks. I found myself going to sit next to Roxas, unable to really look at him just yet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So…” I started.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So?” he asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... I’m sorry…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... it was kinda my fault anyways…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I shook my head. “I didn’t have to go along with it… I knew what I was doing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I… I’ve been pretty good at just… Avoiding anyone I hurt these days… And it’s… Not good. At all. I’m sorry that you’ve been worrying about me this whole time and I couldn’t even stop by to clear things up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“..... It hurt…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m still kinda mad at you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s fair.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“... I’m not over it, either…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I…” I finally turned my head to see him looking right at me. “I… I know… I’m not either…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then… What now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now…” I looked down with a sigh. “... I feel like… I need to sort my feelings out before I even try to answer that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded, looking out towards the ocean. “Me, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We sat there for a moment. Axel steered clear of us, clearly trying to give us some time alone. I didn’t know what to do to fill the silence, though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long will you be visiting for?” Roxas asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I dunno…” I shrugged. “I didn’t really plan that far ahead.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded. “Well… You’re always welcome here. You don’t have to stay with me, but… I do have a place where you can stay if you need it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t mention it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We eventually joined the others, things going back to what I think could be considered normal. We raced each other, played around in the water, made sand castles, made stupid jokes and laughed at them anyways. It was… Nice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I guess I felt so lonely that it didn’t occur to me that it was because I was the one causing it. I had lots of friends that I could depend on. Sora and Kairi weren’t the only people I could talk to. Honestly, I had a lot of options as far as friends went. I was just too busy pretending that things were okay and running away from everyone to say that I needed help.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, we all found ourselves at Roxas’s house. We watched movies and stayed up late, and eventually drifted off to sleep. It was… nice. I still felt guilty about enjoying Sora’s birthday like this… When I wasn’t any closer to finding him. Without him around at all… It felt like I shouldn’t be allowed to do something like that. But I guess I can’t really complain. If he found out that I spent his special day suffering in silence, he’d probably be upset with me, so… I decided that if nothing else, at least I can say that I wasn’t doing that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Until I find Sora and Kairi wakes up, I’ll just have to take comfort in the little things like this.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's Sora's birthday and I am stuck in a quarantine, y'all should have seen this angst train coming. It doesn't help that I was kinda inspired by a tweet mentioning that this is Riku's first time spending Sora's birthday completely away from him. (Credit to @snarkysoras on Twitter, btw.)</p><p>I hope you're all safe and well! This chapter ended up longer than expected, but I hope you liked it!</p><p>The RikuRoku thing wasn't initially gonna be a part of the story, but I am a weak man who likes to make both of his favourite comfort characters suffer and if I'm gonna write Riku struggling with the fact that his boyfriend has been gone for a year, I'm gonna write in things that imply he kinda tried to move on. Even if it was not at all successful because that's kinda how relationships are sometimes.</p><p>ANYWAYS! Thank you all so much for reading! Please let me know what you thought and if I should write a prequel with Roxas and Riku actually being the main ship!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>